Do you remember all those times you would fight with me about my past. Saying “That stuff doesn’t matter anymore, let it go!” or “I didn’t do those things to you, why should I get punished for them!?”. I remember crying after we were done arguing because I knew you would never understand.
I tried and tried to explain my past to you, to explain the things other guys had done to me, treated me, or said to me. I tried to explain to you that those things will never go away. I tried to explain that the way someone makes you feel will never be forgotten, maybe their words-yes, but the feeling-no. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about you, but that I don’t want to feel that way again, and so I was hesitant about a lot things.
I remember being hesitant to trust you when you said you liked me that day in school. That day you called me cute and asked for my number. Do you remember how I turned you down and made fun of your phone to avoid having to give you my number? We used to laugh about that. But I also remember when you would point out that you really did like me and think I was cute and you were just trying to get to know me. I remember telling you “how was I supposed to know?”. You didn’t understand the amount of guys that said those words to me as I moved from school to school. I was the new girl, a new interest, someone new to conquer, someone new to add to their list. I fell for those guys a couple of times. But not this time I told myself.
I remember being hesitant the day you tried to kiss me. You used to laugh and joke about how shy I was. But I remember thinking to myself that if I kissed you right now you would run and tell your friends how you ‘got with the new girl’, like the others. How was I supposed to know you really did like me and weren’t going to tell all your friends? You didn’t understand that I had been treated like this before, but not this time I told myself.
I remember I finally let my guard down and became your girlfriend. It was the happiest day. Do you remember all those long talks we had about my past and yours? When we shared all of our secrets and told each other things no one else knew. I remember letting my guard down and trusting you with things no one knew. I remember you told me you loved me and you would never do any of those things to me. I remember I was hesitant to believe you. Do you remember the day you cheated on me? I do. That day is still burned into my head, the way I felt when I found out. I thought you understood how I had been treated before? But I stayed.
I remember when we moved out of our parents house and got our own place. Do you remember when you said you would have your half of rent on time? But when the day came, you didn’t have it. Do you remember where the rent money went? I do. Do you remember when you said it won’t happen again? But it did. Do you remember the countless times we argued about money, and the countless times you said you would fix things? I do. I believed you every time you said those words, but every time I was let down.
Do you remember the day you gave me that promise ring and said “one day I will ask you to marry me, but in the meantime I promise to love you and always be here.”. I felt so special, so loved. I wore it everyday, and the days I forgot you reminded me. Do you remember all the times you told me you didn’t want to be with anyone else, you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else, you wanted to start a family with me, grow old with me, and be with me forever? I wasn’t hesitant to believe you anymore. I trusted you, I loved you. I knew we would be together forever.
I remember feeling alone. You started a new job and worked nights while I had class in the mornings. We weren’t seeing each other much anymore, only in passing and only when we slept. I remember you crawling into bed with me around 2am every night and cuddling up to me. I felt safe, warm, loved. But that feeling soon faded when I awoke 4 hours later to get up for class. When I would return you would be on your way out for work, and the cycle continued. I remember telling you I felt disconnected from you, telling you I missed you, and wanted to be with you. But our schedules just didn’t work out that way.
I remember my anxiety and depression taking a hold of me and sending me into a downward spiral. I remember crying everyday and having anxiety attacks in class. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, go to work, or do my homework. I remember going to you for help and you would tell me to “just relax”. I remembered the words you told me before “I promise I will always be here for you.”. Do you remember the day you told me you can’t help me anymore, you don’t know what else to do. I remember needing you the most, but that was when you walked away.
I remember the day you packed your bags and left to stay with friends for a few days. Who knew you would never return to crawl into bed at 2am and cuddle me. Those few days turned into a phone call saying you weren’t coming back. I remember the day you came to get the rest of your belongings and I cried into your chest. I remember the look on your face when you walked out for the last time.
Do you remember all those times you would fight with me about my past. Saying “That stuff doesn’t matter anymore, let it go!” or “I didn’t do those things to you, why should I get punished for them!?”. I will still be hesitant to think that someone could like me, would want to be with me, loves me, would never hurt me, would never cheat on me, would never lie to me, means what they say, keep their promises, and I will forever be hesitant to believe that someone will never leave. Because they all leave, sooner or later.
Do you remember the way you felt, how angry and frustrated you were, when I would allow my past to effect my future? Now maybe you’ll understand how it happens and how it all started. You’ve added to my past, the past that will always effect my future. Your actions and words have added more examples as to why I am hesitant, cold, untrusting, and unable to love whole heartedly.
It’s because of you that the cycle will continue for the next person that enters my life.